Hank LNU

Going to Hank's School of Fashion

Ladies, be aware that men feel, and I say, that certain women should just not wear certain outfits. This rule applies to men also (I'm not being sexist). But right now, we're just going to talk about all women and one type of outfit: boots. I invite any woman to do a similar post about men's bad outfits. It'll be a little more difficult because we don't have that many options, and deriding men for wearing sweats more than appropriate isn't exactly tough, or new.

There are three types of boots: cowboy boots, high and tight boots, and short loose-fitting boots. There are different rules depending on the type of boot. The other variable is type of lower-body apparel: pants, short skirt, and long skirt. To be precise, the distinction between short and long in this context is whether the skirt covers the top of the boot.

So, here are some rules.

Cowboy boots: Don't wear them with short skirts (especially jeans skirts), please, unless you're planning on line dancing and are actually in Texas. Thanks. Just don't do it. It doesn't look good. And for the love of all that's Holy, don't wear them with any sort of tights. Pants should cover the boot, and not be tucked into it. Long skirts and cowboy boots are fine.

High and tight boots: why bother wearing this kind of killer-sexy boot unless you wear a short skirt to show them off? Long skirts are acceptable, but not recommended. It's not that long skirts are wrong with this type of boot, I just don't understand why someone would do it. Pants that cover the boot are a waste of time. Short pants? Resist the urge. There are also high and loose-fitting boots. These simply don't look good on anyone. There is a subset of high and tight boots: boots ending above the knee. Unless you're a dominatrix, or a hooker: don't. You don't look sexy, you look cheap.

Good:

Bad:

Now we come to the last type of boot: low boots. These fall into a couple of categories. Uggs. Which are so five minutes ago. And, can we be honest? Never were they ever complimentary. The best that can be said of them is that maybe they were warm. OK, if you're Giselle Bundchen, go right ahead. Because, let's face it, she'd look awesome in anything. But for the rest of us? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And no.

I have to say that I'm not a fan of short boots. I guess an argument can be made that they lengthen the leg. But I'm not going to make that argument, because I think that they just look bad.

Like this:

Now, granted, these boots are awful anyway, but still. You can get away with short boots and pants, because then you can't tell they're short boots. But that's the exception that proves the rule, don't you think? I'm not going to make don't-wear-short-boots into a rule because I admit it's more of a personal preference. But be honest with yourself: if you don't have the leg for it, don't wear it. And if you have the leg for it, wear a shorter short skirt, as the picture above. Why wear a boot that's going to show off your legs and then wear a knee-length skirt that shortens them?

Random Boot Rules:

No moon-style boots (you know, with the massively large heel?). My eyes hurt whenever I see these.

If a short boot has extra leather, so that it folds over many times and looks like that dog with extra furry folds on its face (you know the one I mean), avoid it. (I looked for a picture, and found one, closed the window by accident).

No tights with boots. Ever. I don't care who you are. No, you are not the exception. No, you don't look good in them.

Here's a good rule-0f-thumb: if the boot hugs your leg, you can show the whole boot. If you can put two fingers between the top of the boot and your leg, cover the top of the boot.

I'm just sayin', is all.

Through-Hiking

So...why "Hank?" It's not my real name, and only one person calls me that in the whole world (although, now a few more do).

See, I have a real life now: wife, kids, house. And all the wonders that come with it: mortgage, diapers, etc. Don't get me wrong, it's a great life.

But there's a whole other part of me that I put away a long time ago. Sometimes it comes out. It's the part that loves the outdoors, and wants to move to Boulder. Or through-hike the Appalachian Trail. It's not because I want to escape my life: I really love my life. But the life I chose, well, it was a choice. I chose this path. In choosing this path, I foreclosed another. You can't hike the Trail when you have three (soon to be four) children. They wouldn't understand why Daddy was gone for four months.

And growing up, a big part of me loved that stuff. Hiking, biking, swimming, running. I was an earthy-crunchy guy in a conservative body. I had a friend, T, who brought that out in me. But at the window of opportunity, she went her way, and I went mine. So instead of the delights of travel and love of outdoors, I chose indoor pursuits. I've done well for myself (if I do say so myself). Sometimes, though—sometimes—I wonder what my life would be like had I gone down another path.

So that's what "Hank" is, that other part of me.

First text message post.

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Mobile Email from a Cingular Wireless Customer http://www.cingular.com

Tell Me a Story...

So in the police department, you have forms you have to fill out—lots of forms. If you don't know a person's last name, you put down "LNU" for "Last Name Unknown."

The story goes that there was once a new police captain sitting in his office looking through paperwork. After about 5 minutes he called in the desk sergeant and said, "who is this Lnu family, and what are we doing about all the crime they're committing?!"

This will be a somewhat anonymous journal of mine: people who know my blog history will know me, but no one in my real life will (hopefully).

Some of you may like it, some not. But it'll be me; that much I can promise.

Will Remain Unknown

You can call me Hank. This is me. Howdy.