Hank LNU

Early morning in Singapore.

Beautiful.

What the hell time is it again? Night? Day? My body can't quite tell, having just flown literally half-way around the world.

So Pissed I Can Barely See Straight


If I had a subscription to the New York Times, or the LA Times, I would cancel it today. I would not want to give money to, or be associated in any way with, any person or entity that commits treason.

And there's no other word to describe publishing a story about a top secret, totally legal, tremendously effective program to help catch hidden terrorists. The operation was brilliant and simple. Here's how it went.

You've heard of someone "wiring" money, right? Have you ever thought about what exactly it means to "wire" money. It's not like they put the money on a wire. And it's not like they just place a phone call. To ensure that the wire is legitimate, and that it's from a real bank, a standard communication had to evolve, with protections in place to ensure legitimacy. Hence a company---in Belgium of all places---that provides the actual format for the messages sending money worldwide. Everyone, but everyone, in the banking world uses these messages, called SWIFT messages.

So the government, since 9/11, has been subpoenaing these SWIFT messages to determine whether patterns exist, and to trace the money flow from known or suspected Al Queda operatives. The government has been "following the money."

So simple and brilliant, I'm frankly surprised that the low-level agent who thought it up was allowed to do it.

Of course, now that the New York Times and the LA Times printed details of the program, I'm not so sure it's going to be quite as effective. I thought that the Times' deliberate obfuscation of the limited scope of the call monitoring program was treasonous, but this...this is dastardly.

Don't they believe that some government operations should be done in secret? Don't they understand that there are consequences to their actions? Don't they friggin' know who the enemy is? Why do I get the feeling there's a bunch of editors at the Times who would like nothing better than to print the faces, names, and home addresses of all of our Special Operations guys? Or at least run details of their planned operations?

There's a word for that.

Treason.

Is this just a New York City Subway thing? Piling up the trash on top of the can?

Because I find it funny. In a "we're stupid" kind of way. What's that game where you pile on things, and take them away one by one, until it falls over? That's what this reminds me of.

Welcome to New York.

This Sunday I'm leaving for Singapore, Australia, and China. For three weeks.

No, don't say, "ooh, how cool!" It's not cool at all. It's horribly uncool. If three weeks away from my family weren't enough to change your mind, how about my schedule? Give training all day, with groups coming in and out, and me giving the same class over and over. Then I have to find kosher food. Then I do it again the next day.

Then I fly to the next city. And, oh yeah, flight time from Singapore to Sydney is about 7 1/2 hours. And from Sydney to Beijing is 13. Then I start all over again in the next city.

No, this is not a vacation.

Did I mention that it's going to be like that for three weeks?

It's severe clear today (not a cloud in the sky).

And oh yes, we spent it at the beach.

Who wouldn't?

...is totally, completely, and deservedly...overrated.

(Did you notice the serial comma?)

OK, for our next lesson I'm tackling one of the more controversial grammatical devices: the serial comma.

The serial comma is the last comma in a series: red, white, and blue. Some would write that phrase "red, white and blue," with no comma.

They'd be wrong.

With any list of three or more, use a comma before the fibal conjunction.

Where did not using the final comma come from? When you look into it---as I have---you find it comes from newspaper style guides. Places like the AP, Reuters, where every single letter or mark means ink and space, and both are in short supply. So they eliminate the comma, saving both.

Some people call it the Oxford Comma, although why I don't know, because the Oxford Style Guide uses the final comma.

So, enjoy.

So I'm going to start a grammar series, to make you sound more educated.

First lesson: "is comprised of" is always wrong. Never write or say that phrase. The proper usage is simply "comprises." The word "comprises" means "is made up of." So, you say, "the list comprises all members who have paid their dues." Or, "a PB&J comprises bread, jelly, and peanut butter."

Next lesson: the serial comma.

I must say, the women here are gorgeous. None of them hold a candle to Mrs. LNU, of course.

The French just showed us what speedy justice they provide: their appeals court just upheld a conviction...from 1988.

No fine has been levied yet.

And he's appealing again.

No, that's not a metaphor. I'm in SF, walking around. It's one of those perfect days...I can just feel it Weather is perfect. And I've got about five hours to spend just walking the city. And SF is a great walking-arund city, you know?

No, that's not a metaphor. I'm in SF, walking around. It's one of those perfect days...I can just feel it Weather is perfect. And I've got about five hours to spend just walking the city. And SF is a great walking-arund city, you know?

I just had felafel, hummus, and shwarma in San Francisco's Chinatown. No kidding. It's a funny world.

Who would have believed it? They're starting to do actual work at Ground Zero. and only 4 1/2 years later. Not bad.

/sarcasm.

I now ride my bike to the train station. Let's leave to one side how this makes me feel less like a professional adult than, say, a 12-year-old. Let's instead discuss modern bicycles, the Marketing Machine, America, and the shopper's psychosis.

The evidence of a problem can be seen by viewing the bicycle rack at work. I work in downtown Manhattan, and lots of people ride bikes to work. I have no problem with this at all. The odd thing I noticed is that most of the bicycles look like this one:



Now, you'd think that nothing was wrong with this. It's a great-looking bike, right?

Except, why? Why have a mountain bike in the city? See those knobby tires?

Here, take a closer look:



Those tires mean more "grab" to the tire. Of course, what the tire is "grabbing" is the road. Which means more friction, which means more effort to overcome the friction and gain velocity. Or, as non-physics-students say: you have to pedal harder.

Don't get me wrong, there's plenty good about a mountain bike. The suspension is a hell of a lot better, for one thing. Of course, that really only helps if you're here:



It's next to useless if you're, say, here:



Because, hey, you notice anything about this picture? I'll tell you:

Flat as a pancake.

The entire island of Manhattan is pretty much as flat as a pancake. OK, if you live in Washington Heights, there's a hill. But the road is asphalt! Not dirt and large rocks.

What you need in the city is this bike:



with these tires:



See, smooth. No grab. No friction. Easier pedaling.

So why do people buy the mountain bike?

Because we're stupid people who believe anything we're told as long as you wave a pretty girl in front of us. If you buy this bike, you'll magically be transported to this place. Mountains. Fresh Air. And you'll have the skill to ride down a mountain on a bicycle like the guy in the photo, without breaking your neck, which is what would happen if you or I tried to mountain bike down the side of a mountain.

How else could you explain people drinking Budweiser? Because, be honest, it takes like what I imagine horse piss would taste like. Other, better, beers are as cheap. Ah, but whenever you see a Budweiser ad, there's a pretty girl next to it. Not so subtly, they're saying, "buy this beer and you can screw this girl." Hell, the girl is usually halfway to undressed anyway, right. How far do you have left to go?

I remember the old joke, "what's a bargain? Something you don't need at a price you can't resist."

And don't think that I think that I'm immune. I'm certainly not.

My downfall is electronics. See, I use a computer for pictures, and the internet. That's pretty much it at home. But I need---need, mind you---the newest computer. I can send someone to the moon using my computer, it's got such computing power. But I'm just dying to buy the new Mac, because it's got that dual Intel core. Which means what? I can now send two people to the moon? All I need is a simple Mac. What I want is the newest, fastest, coolest-looking Mac I can not really afford. Hell, I'll put it on my credit card. That's free money, right?

I Know, I Know

But back when this came out, Britney was the shit. Seriously, everyone I knew thought she was the hottest thing going. And, let's face it guys, you did too.

Now she's sunk into how-did-she-ever-marry-that-skanky-guy-and-have-a-kid land. I mean it. K-fed? Have you ever seen a bigger shiftless loser? Show me a bigger shiftless loser and I'll show you... ... ... a really huge shiftless loser.

Anyway, enjoy this blast from the past.

Wow. Just wow. Guy is having a heart attack and lands his Cessna on a friggin' *highway*, then dies. The three passengers? Not a scratch.

They just don't make 'em like that guy anymore.

Still on the fence, and they got him? How long does it take to climb a fence? Seriously, you have to admire the speed and efficiency of the U.S. Secret Service.