Hank LNU

I now ride my bike to the train station. Let's leave to one side how this makes me feel less like a professional adult than, say, a 12-year-old. Let's instead discuss modern bicycles, the Marketing Machine, America, and the shopper's psychosis.

The evidence of a problem can be seen by viewing the bicycle rack at work. I work in downtown Manhattan, and lots of people ride bikes to work. I have no problem with this at all. The odd thing I noticed is that most of the bicycles look like this one:



Now, you'd think that nothing was wrong with this. It's a great-looking bike, right?

Except, why? Why have a mountain bike in the city? See those knobby tires?

Here, take a closer look:



Those tires mean more "grab" to the tire. Of course, what the tire is "grabbing" is the road. Which means more friction, which means more effort to overcome the friction and gain velocity. Or, as non-physics-students say: you have to pedal harder.

Don't get me wrong, there's plenty good about a mountain bike. The suspension is a hell of a lot better, for one thing. Of course, that really only helps if you're here:



It's next to useless if you're, say, here:



Because, hey, you notice anything about this picture? I'll tell you:

Flat as a pancake.

The entire island of Manhattan is pretty much as flat as a pancake. OK, if you live in Washington Heights, there's a hill. But the road is asphalt! Not dirt and large rocks.

What you need in the city is this bike:



with these tires:



See, smooth. No grab. No friction. Easier pedaling.

So why do people buy the mountain bike?

Because we're stupid people who believe anything we're told as long as you wave a pretty girl in front of us. If you buy this bike, you'll magically be transported to this place. Mountains. Fresh Air. And you'll have the skill to ride down a mountain on a bicycle like the guy in the photo, without breaking your neck, which is what would happen if you or I tried to mountain bike down the side of a mountain.

How else could you explain people drinking Budweiser? Because, be honest, it takes like what I imagine horse piss would taste like. Other, better, beers are as cheap. Ah, but whenever you see a Budweiser ad, there's a pretty girl next to it. Not so subtly, they're saying, "buy this beer and you can screw this girl." Hell, the girl is usually halfway to undressed anyway, right. How far do you have left to go?

I remember the old joke, "what's a bargain? Something you don't need at a price you can't resist."

And don't think that I think that I'm immune. I'm certainly not.

My downfall is electronics. See, I use a computer for pictures, and the internet. That's pretty much it at home. But I need---need, mind you---the newest computer. I can send someone to the moon using my computer, it's got such computing power. But I'm just dying to buy the new Mac, because it's got that dual Intel core. Which means what? I can now send two people to the moon? All I need is a simple Mac. What I want is the newest, fastest, coolest-looking Mac I can not really afford. Hell, I'll put it on my credit card. That's free money, right?